i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
