I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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