Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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