Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
