my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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