I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
is wine microwaveable?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
