Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
