How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize