at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
