hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
