sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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