Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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