i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
