I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
