Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
