I can text with my tongue
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
