I haven't been this sober since birth.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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