If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You ate ashes out of my bong
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
