The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize