I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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