He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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