the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize