I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
