You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
