I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
