gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
