She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
