whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
