I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
