My Higher Power is John Stamos
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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