so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
