hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
