My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
