Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
