ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
