I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize