Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
