please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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