He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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