Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
