This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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