My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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