So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Shame - the story of my life.
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