how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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