I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
