I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
17 year olds will be the death of me.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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