Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
