i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
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