im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
