Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
it's like iHOP with fire
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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