I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Hippo gnu deer
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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