3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
