Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
