i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
