if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish I could teleport
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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