I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Come see our sink grown plant.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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