my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
this hospital has no fireball
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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