we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
