i came on her dog
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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