if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the condom got lost in my hair
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
