i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize